Do It Yourself

‘Wait,’ the intern asked nervously, shuffling the papers he’d been handed. ‘What am I doing?’

‘You’re walking towards the camera,’ his clearly-frustrated boss, Alan, explained for the hundredth time, ‘and you give the papers to Janice there. Then just smile!’

‘Okay…’ the intern nodded, closing his eyes and muttering something to himself.

‘What’s he­–what’s he doing?’ Alan asked his assistant director, confused. Mike, the assistant director/head accountant, shrugged.

‘Practicing his lines?’ he suggested.

‘What lines, he just has to–oi, intern,’ Alan called out. ‘Just walk to Janice when I yell action! Got it?’

‘Don’t I have to smile as well?’ the kid asked, wiping sweat from his forehead.

‘You know, boss,’ Mike leant over, ‘I’m beginning to think we should have just hired that professional corporate video production company from Melbourne.’

‘You don’t think I can direct this?’ Alan asked, narrowing his eyes.

‘No, I just think that maybe if we had, Rupert wouldn’t be crying right now.’

‘Rupert? Who’s Rupert?’

Mike pointed back at the intern, who was clearly fighting every instinct not to run into the bathroom and start openly sobbing.

‘Fine,’ Alan rolled his eyes. ‘But we’re here now, so let’s just work with what we have.’

‘A crying intern?’

‘A vision, Michael!’

‘My mistake.’

Alan ignored him, turning back to his actor. ‘New plan,’ he began, then quickly hurried to reassure the boy as his legs started to buckle. ‘Relax, relax! I just need you to hold that paper out, very, very still.’

‘Like this?’ Rupert asked, confused.

‘Perfect! We’re ready to shoot! Where’s my camera?’

‘Oh sorry,’ Mike said, finishing up his game of Kandee Krunch and handing his phone to Alan.

‘Okay,’ Alan squinted, lining up the paper with the image on the phone screen. ‘Now we’ll just add some fun animation in post.’

‘What?’ Mike frowned. ‘You think animation is easier?’

‘It’s not?’

‘No. Look, I’m saying this as your friend and not your accountant – hire a decent 2D animation company, if that’s really what you want.’

‘But they won’t share my vision!’ Alan shouted.

Rupert let out a small whimper and fainted.